summer with 1
Summer is here. I’ve let far too much time go by (as usual) between blogging. I have topics. I have things to talk about. The struggle for time to myself and what to share is where the problem is.
But here I am.
We just got back from a mini family vacation. We went to my peaceful oasis; Point Roberts, WA. This is where I grew up all of the summers of my life. It’s a generational thing and my daughter will be the 4th generation to keep the tradition going.
It is such a wonderful place to go; Point Roberts. For me. It is where I feel the most connected to my Mom. The smell of the cabin, the ocean, the beach, the air, all of it. Makes me feel closer to her and to remember my times as a child, teen-ager and young adult (she passed when I was 21). I miss her terribly and being there soothes my soul.
We had a wonderful time. The weather couldn’t have been better. Every day there was a big sand bar to play on. Just like the summers I remember and cherish. My heart was pretty full.
BUT, my son wasn’t there. I didn’t dwell too much on my grief but it’s there. It always will be. As the week goes on it has been tough on my heart and mind. I had dreams of taking Kenneth to the same beach I played on. Kenneth’s cousins (both boys) are only 4 months older and 2 years younger. I always pictured the 3 boys playing together. Now we have my daughter and I picture the 4 of them playing together.
Mostly as I said, it was a beautiful family time but I always get anxiety when we go somewhere where I know there will be a lot of children playing. I have to watch that I don’t put that on my daughter. She’s innocent enough not to know what I do or what I fear. I fear seeing siblings. It gives me so much anxiety. I wait for the day she begs me for a living sibling or asks why her brother can’t be with us. I worry about the interaction with other children. It’s my issue, not hers. When I see siblings being loving towards one another it kills me. I want that for her. She should have it. We did have it. I watch her reaction to it. It is a hard one.
One morning my husband took our daughter to the park on the trip. He said there was a brother and sister there. Our daughter told them that she had a brother too and that she loved him so much. She told them his name. My poor husband. When he told me the story he completely broke down. I’m breaking down now thinking about it. It’s weighed heavily on my mind. It’s grief and it’s guilt. I’m glad she knows about her brother but it hurts me for her.
So of course like I do every few months I think about more children. I always wanted a big family. I still want them but I can’t physically have any more children. I had our daughter at 41 and that was my 2nd high-risk pregnancy. I was advised to not carry any more children after I gave birth to our daughter. It was a blow for me to hear but I knew it. It has been very hard for me as a woman to not decide on my own that I am done having children. Very hard. Besides losing my son and Mom, that has probably been one of the hardest things in my life that I’ve had to deal with mentally. I don’t feel done. I don’t want to be done. My husband doesn’t want to adopt. I respect his decision. That is a decision we absolutely have to be mutual on. I constantly have to resolve this in my heart and mind and so back to it I go.
I know that we have a beautiful little family. We create many good memories big and small. There is always someone missing. My son. It’s a balance. It’s so difficult some times to know we have a 4 person family but only 3 to show for it. Like I said, it’s a balance. A tough one.
summer with 1 – should be 2. I don’t think I’ll ever be ok with it.